Struggling...

Faith. I know what the word is, what it means, what it is to have it, and what it is to lose it. Today, I attended a memorial service for a friend who is burying her 19 month-old. To be precise, this child was approximately 2 weeks younger than Savannah. Yeah, close to home? I have been through the death of a child. I know the agony and pain, both physical and emotional. I know the pure struggle between life and death as you try to stay alive for your loved ones while wishing you were dead. I know all this...yet...still...there are no words. No words to explain why; no words to help understand. My friend delivered her own child's eulogy. Sitting there listening, the emotional pain of losing my daughter these many years ago dealt me a physical blow that made it hard to breathe. I know what the Bible says about faith. I know what God says. I know that we are supposed to "believe in what we cannot see." For today, however, I have no faith. No belief in anything but this moment that is untouchable. No faith in the power that let this innocent child leave her mother and father, who struggled to have a child for so long, and ended up adopting her. For today, I just can't believe in anything but sorrow and loss. Ask me how I feel tomorrow.