From 2009 to 2010....

These words of wisdom have always meant a lot to me in life....with personal struggles and successes alike.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." ~ Robert Frost

This coming year, as mentioned in an earlier post, I am going to start facing the get healthy struggle. It will be a hard road, and a road less traveled...and so I figure, if I choose THAT road...that one will be the one that makes the difference. My wish for all those I love in this upcoming year is this....choose the road you don't travel...even if it's longer and more treacherous, so that you too may make that difference.

Farewell 2009~ I'm not sorry to see you go. And 2010, may you be a year of change and inner peace for all. Happy New Year.

Biggest Loser

The oldest kid and I got the WiiFit Board for Christmas..came as one of those bundle thingys..with the The Biggest Loser DVD/Wii game Family Cookbook. Now, I do NOT make New Year's Resolutions ( I put them in CAPS because to some, they are the be-all, end-all). The only one I have ever successfully conquered was not wearing white socks for a year, but that was due to my love of funky cool socks. I digress. Anyways, I looked through the cookbook...got a little excited. These are doable recipes. Hmmmm, methinks, onto the DVD/Wii game...all sorts of games and exercises and stuff. A little more excited...perhaps I can do this? Now, unless you live under a rock, you should know what The Biggest Loser is. I live in a townhouse, and ok, let me hear it...one collective GASP from the peanut gallery...NO, I have never seen the show. I know some of you watch it, though, and I'd like to hear from you. See, the gist I get from online ads and TV commercials is this...these people are at their wits' ends. And you know what, I'm about there. I'm 100 lbs overweight, I have high cholesterol ( I mean, off the charts), I have a recently diagnosed thyroid disorder, an about-to-be-diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, I take 4 to 5 meds a day for various things.....and the kicker? I'm only 31! So, yeah, unless I want to precede my mother into the Great Wide Open, I need to do something now. My weak attempt at humor belies my fear....I have lost a child....I need to be around for my other two. I have tried them all...the Zone, Atkins, WW....I know I need to be ready...do I think my Wii can help me? For what it's worth....it IS here in my nice warm house. So, this year, perhaps I will try making one of those horrid resolutions....or maybe just a promise, to myself and to my kids; it's time for Mama to get healthy. And perhaps, with a lot of hard work and encouragement, this will be one promise I can keep.

Gotta get moving..

I've been searching through all the blogs I read every day to find ones that really interest me. The more I read, the more I am SO impressed over the quality of these blogs and the level of writing. I thought, I gotta get moving....I could do this, ya know. I could write like this. Should I do a recipe blog, a kid blog....scrapbooking, photography (leave that to the pros, heh, J?) I'm not quite sure my life is that interesting anymore to make for daily blog fodder. I do, however, salute the ones who write everyday.....you rock with your writin' selves!!

In Memory

Happy Birthday Emilee Faith~ you would have been 9 today. I have come to realize that your passing was, at least, something I have come to understand that things happen for a reason. Mommy thinks about you all the time and will never let your memory die. And to the godmother that didn't get a chance to show her incredible love to my child~ I love you and will always be sorry for that. Happy Birthday sweet girl~ we miss you every day that passes and will always love you.

Intentions

Have you ever done something with the best of intentions and it all goes wrong? I mean, something you thought about, planned for~ and then it all goes downhill? I am in the middle of a similar situation, and boy, am I conflicted. It seems as if the answer to solve the problem is just around the corner, but I just can't seem to reach it. Especially not without hurting others in the process. I have always been one to give of myself~ and more often than not, it has been a good thing. But sometimes it backfires. You know that old saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"? I'm not a big fan of lemonade these days.

Indian Summer

As I write this the windows are open, the sun is shining, (pretty much) and there is a gentle breeze blowing through the house. In October. Yes, here is our supposed Indian Summer. It was 80 DEGREES yesterday, and we are a mere 10 days from Halloween!! Speaking of Halloween, the house is decorated to the nines, since it's my favorite holiday. And on that special day, I will be taking a vampire and a toddler trick-or-treating. Let's see...hmmm....a vampire, and a...toddler? Do they make a costume for that? You see, it's a funny story. Sort of. Savannah REFUSES to wear a costume. Period. Now as far as I know, it's not fear of it, or that it's too hot, it's just that she is.not.going.to. Because that is what a toddler does. No means that she does not have to do anything she does not want to do, and that includes pleasing the mommy who feeds her and bathes her and buys her M&M's to bribe her to ride in the cart at Target. So, I wonder what all of your kids are going to be for Halloween. I hope, for your sake, they have costumes on. When I was a kid, not wearing a costume was akin to the Salem Witch Trials. You just put one on!! Or else. Nooooo candy for you! I am just hoping the cuteness factor gets her the loot.

Welcome Back to me!

Yes, I think I already told you I am a terrible blogger. But since finding out that there are people who actually READ this...I guess I need to get busy. As I type this I am listening (yes, I said listening) to the newest developmental stage of Savannah's life...screaming. To quote a dear fellow blogger...not just screaming, but "screaming that gets inside your brain". On the opposite end of this noise is Samantha yelling at Savannah "TIME out, I said TIME OUT"!!! This is what I hear on a daily basis. Geesh.
So, to update the last several months that I have been such a slacker on the blog front....Samantha is 10 now, Savannah is 2, and I am still separated. We are headed for divorce, and please don't say "I'm sorry" to me, because for the most part I'm really not. Isn't it the way it always goes...he's someone different than I thought he'd be, we want different things, yada yada. Yes, we both turned out to be different people and want different things. But most of all, I just want happiness. Just a fleeting chance at that most elusive of feelings. And I have enough respect for him that I wish him the same. All relationships have problems, and ours was, and still is, no more different than the next. However, some issues are insurmountable, and I choose not to climb that mountain. So, that's that.
I have a roommate now, and her daughter. For privacy's sake, I will call them L and H. My roomie and I were Facebook friends (damn addictive social networking site!) and it turned into a beneficial relationship for both of us. L and H moving in has been a work in progress, but for the most part it's running smoothly. It has been an adjustment for the girls and me to have roommates, but at this point in life, economically especially, it's what's needed.
I'm still at our local Y, and for now....well, I work there.
I have no great inspirational words to leave you with now...but, the duty of motherhood is calling, so I think I will write later. And NO, it won't be 7 more months!!!

De Plane, De Plane!

Tomorrow I leave for North Carolina for a whirlwind 24 trip. Two of those hours will be on a plane going and coming. Ok, so I am not the biggest chicken in the world, but flying makes me just squawk! I am going to see Jimmy Buffett in concert with my oldest brother~ and I am pysched! However, the whole flying-to-get-there part bothers me. And, this will be the first time I have been away from Savannah since she's been born~ so I am actually sad about that. Since I will be gone literally 24 hours to see one of my all-time favorite performers in concert from 12th ROW CENTER~ I guess I can deal! ;~) Xanax will be my friend...

I am just not good at this~

I am just not good at this blogging thing. I am experiencing technical difficulties and will resume posting as soon as the soap opera I call My Life has settled down enough so I can actually think of something witty to say. Wow, run-on sentence, anyone? To be continued....

Struggling...

Faith. I know what the word is, what it means, what it is to have it, and what it is to lose it. Today, I attended a memorial service for a friend who is burying her 19 month-old. To be precise, this child was approximately 2 weeks younger than Savannah. Yeah, close to home? I have been through the death of a child. I know the agony and pain, both physical and emotional. I know the pure struggle between life and death as you try to stay alive for your loved ones while wishing you were dead. I know all this...yet...still...there are no words. No words to explain why; no words to help understand. My friend delivered her own child's eulogy. Sitting there listening, the emotional pain of losing my daughter these many years ago dealt me a physical blow that made it hard to breathe. I know what the Bible says about faith. I know what God says. I know that we are supposed to "believe in what we cannot see." For today, however, I have no faith. No belief in anything but this moment that is untouchable. No faith in the power that let this innocent child leave her mother and father, who struggled to have a child for so long, and ended up adopting her. For today, I just can't believe in anything but sorrow and loss. Ask me how I feel tomorrow.

Cool Mommy

Last night I had 5 (at first) and then 4 (one got sad) girls spend the night. I didn't have sleepovers when I was younger because there was no money, plus mom was always at work to support us. I mean, I usually spent the night at my best friend's house, but there were no big ones until we moved to MD. I knew when I was younger that I wanted to be a "Cool Mommy". Which, at the time, meant letting MY kids do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. I was usually mad at mom at the time! Now, of course I know that being a young parent means a finer line I have to walk...be a parent first, then a "cool" parent. However, I love to give Samantha experiences that I didn't have, and that includes sleepovers. I kept my friend's three last night, plus another one from another friend, and I am so blessed that my best and dearest friends have kids about the same age and that our kids are friends. It was crazy and loud, but we had tacos, banana splits, and dancing! I love that I am not always popular, but most of the time my kid thinks I am pretty cool. If I were always the cool mom, then I would not be doing the job I was hired to do...and that is raising my kid to be smart, honest and well-behaved. Sometimes, though, it's fun to be cool.

Just dropping by...

Guilty. I have not written in days. It seems like there are never enough hours in my day, much less 24 of them. If I didn't have to do that whole sleeping thing then I would use those hours too.

To sum it up~ recent events have left me trading my husband for a puppy....yes, we have separated and that is a whole 'notha story...we are now the proud mama and sisters of a Pug named Salem. What joy dogs bring to our lives. I am only sorry we waited so long. We are busy as ever with school and work..in addition to Child Watch I am now working in After School Care and that is nice....to be with older kids that use full sentences and don't cry as much!! One of these days will bring a longer post...a joy to the 3 readers I have! A bit of advice to you that I am slowly learning...we are so much to everyone...spouse, parent, lover, employee, friend, child...remember we are only as good to everyone else as we are to ourselves. Cherish yourself first.

I stole this from Jessi!

YOU CAN ONLY ANSWER EACH QUESTION WITH ONE WORD. GOOD LUCK!
1. Where is your cell phone? charging
2. Your significant other? separated
3. Your hair? messy
4. Your mother? asleep
5. Your father? asshole
6. Your favorite thing? daughters
7. Your dream last night? terror
8. Your favorite drink? Dew
9. Your dream/goal? stability
10. The room you're in? living
11. Your fear? death
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? debtless
13. Where were you last night? work
14. What you're not? content
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? money
17. Where you grew up? maryland
18. The last thing you did? "surfed"
19. What are you wearing? shirt
20. Your favorite TV show? lots
21. Your pet? non-existant
23. Your life? jumbled
24. Your mood? contemplative
25. Missing someone? always
26. Your car/truck? comfortable
27. Something you're not wearing? bra
28. Favorite Store? target
29. Your summer? beach
30. Your favorite color? purple
31. When is the last time you laughed? today
32. Last time you cried? today
THREE PLACES I GO OVER AND OVER: Wanda's, work, target
THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS: mac~n~cheese, chocolate, pasta
PLACE I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW: anywhere

Happy Birthday!

I have been following this blog...Confessions of a CF Husband, for quite a while. Every morning I eagerly check to see if Nate (the husband) has written anything new. Today, it is the miracle baby Gwyneth Rose's FIRST birthday. I know that their family does not know me, nor do I really know them...but thanks to their blog I get to read about a family who brings me hope and joy every day. Have a beautiful birthday Gwyneth, and to Nate and Tricia, enjoy your daughter today. And Nate, I'm sure I don't have to remind you, but you are a lucky man!

ABC..all about me!

A is for age: 30. I don't want to talk about it. Nope. Just don't.

B is for burger of choice: bacon, cheese, mayo and ketchup

C is for the car I drive: Honda Odydessy (sp?) Minivan

D is for your dog's name: I don't have one. I have two kids.

E is for essential item you use every day: My laptop. Can't...live...without...

F is for favorite TV show at the moment: still Law and Order:SVU

G is for favorite game: Text Twist on the computer and Quizzy's Word Challenge on Webkinz

H is for home state: the great state of North Carolina!!

I is for instruments you play: had piano lessons once upon a time

J is for favorite juice: Apple

K is for whose bum you'd like to kick: mine....I threw away my the box for my new cell phone and now cannot send away for the rebate!!

L is for last restaurant at which you ate: McDonald's (if that counts as a restaurant) if not...the WeatherVane, a fantastic restaurant in Chapel Hill

M is for your favorite muppet: Kermit

N is for number of piercings: one in each ear..not brave enough for anything else

O is for overnight hospital stays: 3...I think

P is for people you were with today: Mom, Wanda and the whole crew, and my beautiful girls

Q is for what you do with your quiet time: read, the computer

R is for biggest regret: I try not to have those..they suck.

S is for status: well...separated at the moment...not sure what's gonna happen there

T is for time you woke up today: not sure...the baby played for a while in her crib so I dozed

U is for what you consider unique about yourself: I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue

V is for vegetable you love: green beans

W is for worst habit: criticizing...trying to work on that

X is for x-rays you've had: I honestly don't have a clue

Y is for yummy food you ate today: Macadamia nuts dipped in chocolate

Z is for zodiac: Aries....and I can be a stubborn Ram, lemme tell ya!!